Make it stop reactions, "fight number 42," and willingness to make new moves

I like to call our thoughts, feelings, and actions that scream, "no more!" our make it stop reactions. Recognizing them, assessing them, deciding what else you want to do and recognizing that change in you invites change in your loved one are powerful moves we can make when we want to create more ease and satisfaction, and less pain and unnecessary suffering, in our family system.

I work a lot with families who are dealing with addiction. Some of the painful experiences that surround dealing with addiction in a family system would make anyone want to stop it. It's a human instinct and a totally understandable one. However, the truth is, we can't really make another human stop or start anything. We can request, we can invite, we can look at how we might be supporting the status quo, but I like to say that our loved ones don't have dials we can turn. And really, we don't want adult children, spouses, partners, siblings, etc. that are controlled from the outside. Yes, it would be amazing if we could miraculously stop them from doing things that are harmful to themselves or others, but then what? Humans change because they feel safe enough to change, not because we tried to "make them stop."

The fantastic book Beyond Addiction by Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, Nicole Kosanke, and Stephanie Higgs addresses this instinct to "make it stop," and how we might learn over time to shift our approach. In the book, they clarifiy for us that all behaviors make sense. I'll repeat that, all behaviors make sense. Humans do not do things "just because." There is always a reason behind an action. They may not themselves know what the reason is, though their autonomic nervous systems do, but there is a reason. So, when our loved ones do self-destructive things or create upset in our families, there is always a reason.

I like to say, "You can't throw logic on that grease fire." By that I mean, trying to impose common logic on why someone would choose to do something they know is not good for themselves or others, is just going to confound and distress us and increase anxiety, shame, etc. on their part. Rather, we can learn to understand that there was some reason for what they did and our task is to figure out what it triggers in us and how we will engage in the system differently. Not to change them, but to change ourselves and in turn invite change in them. It's like moving a rock in a stream, we know the water will flow differently, we just don't know how. We're not moving the water, we are moving the rock. We're doing something different.

So, how do we do it differently? Well, first we grow accustomed to the notion that we can't change the other person, only ourselves. But in changing ourselves we influence our loved ones and invite them to change, making it far more likely that they might do so. People don't change because someone makes them, or even because they get new information. They change because they feel safe enough within themselves to make a change.

Imagine a scenario with your loved one where they do the thing that is so activating and upsetting for you. Some move that they've made many times before, that is always upsetting. My husband and I call it "fight number 42." I know what he will say, he knows what I will say. It's an all too familiar dance that neither one of us likes, but we keep repeating in an effort to finally be seen and heard and "made to feel safe" by the other. Our human response is to spend a lot of time telling the other person what they need to do to make us feel safer, often in a way that is blaming or states that "anyone would feel this way." As you can imagine, that doesn't create an environment of safety in which someone feels safe enough to explore themselves, which is why real change seldom comes from this type of exchange.

So, back to that scenario. If you find it useful, get out a paper and something to write with and journal the answers to the following. What do you think of when you find yourself in this scenario? How do you feel in your body? What emotions come up? What to you typically say? What do you typically do?

Does it look something like, "He always does this! It's so unfair! He's so unreasonable. He's just doing this to be stubborn." And how does it feel in your body? Is your chest tight, your shoulders, your throat? Do you yell? Do you slam doors? Do you wait your turn to talk, but when you do you tell them all the things they are "doing to you?" Do you just sigh and resign yourself to the idea that nothing is going to change and you just cut off for now and walk away? And unless you are physically harming he other person, no judgement on any of these reactions. They are your human and autonomic nervous system knee-jerk reactions, but they aren't moving the needle on "fight number 42." And they are keeping you in the cycle.

Let's rewind and recognize those moments where we can practice moving in a different direction. So, when I suddenly realize we are in "fight number 42" I can try to quick notice what is happening in my body and make a move to create more flow, like a really deep breath, or maybe even say, "I need a minute and then I can talk." And when I have the thoughts, "He always does this! It's so unfair! He's so unreasonable. He's just doing this to be stubborn." I can add more thoughts to these, such as, "I know that all behaviors have a reason and I don't want to personalize this. I need a moment to step away and then come back to talk."

Beyond Addiction calls this creating a new response. And it's one of the most powerful things you can do to create more health in your family system. Here are some examples given in the book. Remember, these are specific to addiction, but you can see the application in a variety of behaviors.

Trigger	Response
They come home obviously under the influence.	Old Response: Standing at the front door and yelling about how irresponsible they are. New Response: This week, I’ll practice resisting the urge to talk to them when they come home under the influence; instead, I’ll go to a place in our home where I don’t see them and where I can focus on something else.
They ignore me/take a snotty tone with me when I ask how their day went.	Old Response: I take a snotty tone back and say something hurtful. New Response: This week, I’ll go in my room, relax, and tell myself I can talk to them more effectively tomorrow when I’m calmer.
They bombard me with nasty calls and texts and won’t stop until I respond.	Old Response: I keep texting back and forth late into the night (losing sleep). New Response: I remind myself that I don’t have to respond when they’re treating me this way. I also know if they’re angry or agitated, now probably isn’t the best time. I’ll send one text telling them I’ll talk tomorrow when they’re in a better frame of mind

Now, this post has focused on dealing with addiction in family systems, but it applies to ALL family systems. Just replace addiction behaviors to other problematic behaviors.

Remember, you are the most powerful intervention you can have on any system you are in. This is the way for you to have a sense of agency and control. You cannot control others, but you can choose to grow and change, which invites the same in others, and creates more safety in which it is more likely that this will happen.

And, this last piece is critical and fundamental to change. In the midst of all these new moves you are making, don't short yourself on self-compassion. If you are drawn to, take a moment to take a deep breath, relax your body, and remember that change takes time. You are doing the hard work of altering your role in your family system. This is a huge gift to yourself and your family, and no small feat. Remind yourself that you are doing good work and good-enough-work. Cultivate a kind inner voice and appreciate your growth and movement. This will allow you to feel more compassion for your loved one as well.

#whoaitsasystem #makeitstopbehaviors #selfcompassion #selfdifferentiation